This is important for anyone – so read carefully. Leave the “D” word OUT OF MARRIAGE!! You know what I mean… “divorce”. Commit to not saying it, but also, not thinking it. I was given the advice to never say it. However, that did not stop me from thinking it. I thought about it. Unfortunately, I thought about it way more than I would like to admit. As a newlywed, it makes you feel even worse to think about it! You’re supposed to be in wedded bliss, right?
When I would think of divorce, it made me feel numb to whatever chaos was going on in our marriage. It made me feel powerful, like I didn’t need him, so who cares what he thinks. I would fantasize (I know, messed up!) about divorcing him. Now, my husband is a smart guy. He could pick up on this, even if I never said anything about it. He could tell.
I can remember several times in our marriage where I was so mean, so unloving, that I made him cry and he would ask what we should do (I told you, I’m sharing the brutal reality in my marriage). When that happened, I would feel so powerful but then I would realize how mean I was being and apologize. When I think about it now, it almost makes me cry to think of how poorly I treated him many times. Meanwhile, he was respectful of me, loving me, and sad that I was not being loving to him.
Finally, a few months ago, we were on a little vacation with his parents. I was agitated, and he was annoying me. Again, I found myself fantasizing about people in my past and how he fell short somehow. Not helpful. We were sitting on a bench in this adorable little town on the water, and I decided to pick a fight. I told him I didn’t like him, and why I didn’t like him, and why I don’t like being with him, and on, and on.
That was it. I finally hurt him too many times, and said things I could not take back.
After that, he was quiet. He said nothing to me, and hardly anything to his parents for the rest of the trip. I knew it was bad, but I figured we would laugh it off and move on with our lives like we had before. Not this time. We drove home in silence. When we got home, I went to hang out with my friend because I was upset and didn’t want to be in the house with him.
When I came back home that night, my husband was sitting in a chair and I sat across from him on the couch. I don’t remember what he said exactly, because I was so stunned, broken, and emotionally disrupted. Essentially, he talked to me so calmly, telling me he wanted to get a divorce. He said the “D” word. He told me that he thought about it all day, and it would be easy. He would just take his clothes from his closet, put them in his car, and move back to his parent’s home.
I didn’t believe it. Although, I knew he would never say this lightly. I couldn’t speak. I think a few times I said, “Let’s just calm down. You’re not going to do that.” He kept saying he was. He never threatened. He was calm, and matter of fact. He said he couldn’t live a life being abused and put down all the time. I didn’t blame him. That was a huge wake up call for me, but I didn’t know if I was too late or not.
He got into our bed, just like any other night, but this night felt so different. After the lights were out for about 5 minutes, I asked if we could talk. He said no, nothing I’m going to say will make a difference. I begged him to give me a chance to show I can change. I cried. I bawled. Genuinely. I love my husband, and I did not want to lose him. Every time I thought I was stronger and better without him, I was totally lying to myself.
Thankfully, he agreed to give me a chance. He told me he has always loved me and always will, but he can’t put up with my hurtful words anymore. I was done lying to myself that night. He’s an amazing man. He loves me so well. He deserves an incredible loving wife.
I haven’t been perfect since that night a few months ago, although I think my husband would say he is much happier. I am so much happier, as well. I have let go of even thinking about divorce because I know it’s toxic. Now, I fantasize about him and our marriage in the future, as well as the present. I am so grateful for him and what he does for me.