Do you ever experience mind prison? Where you continuously think a horrible thought (or several horrible thoughts) that you couldn’t really say out loud so it just continues to ruminate in your mind? I’ve been experiencing that a lot lately.
And because you can’t say it out loud, it keeps going around and around in your mind until you feel crazy and feel like you have to scream it out loud!
Well, that was me last week. I was creating my husband to be a complete monster in my mind with no redeeming qualities. Even when I tried to think of something good, it led to being negative. I felt like crying constantly. I would even be with my family, and feel my eyes welling up because I had these horrible feelings inside.
So, I had supper with my mom and I mentioned how I hate being married to my husband and that I think I chose the wrong guy. She assured me that everyone feels that way, and in fact, “Did I not tell you that all growing up?”
Which yes, she did tell me all the time, which is probably why I was so terrified to get married. It also made me think, maybe my mom is doing it wrong and now I am doing it wrong. Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be this difficult. At any rate, she told me I couldn’t change it now so I have to get through it.
She asked me what is wrong with my husband and proceeded to yell, “EVERYTHING!” and she didn’t really believe me and asked for specifics. I began to tell her and she agreed with me! Not encouraging. She tried to make me feel better by saying, “Who is more difficult than your father?” and “It took 25 years, but now we are very happy”…like, okay great, let me just be in misery for 25 years. Finally after listing quite a few reasons I couldn’t stand my husband, she said, “Okay, now we need to focus on the positive. What’s something that you love about him? Or, what are good qualities?”
At the time, I barely listed one. Later, I felt better – about my life, my marriage, my husband, just by finally telling someone a few of the awful things that I was thinking and feeling.
I know a lot of people will tell you not to focus on the negative, but sometimes it’s freaking hard not to focus on the negative when you don’t know if you’re right or wrong or sane or insane. It helps to say it out loud to someone you trust will encourage you in the right direction, and start healing and seeing the positive.
Since that conversation, I’ve been able to be thankful for my husband. I ‘m thankful for our life. Yes, I will still think he is annoying and lazy at times, but there are so many good and sweet times that we have together, as well.
All in all, he’s a good guy. He’s sweet to me, he’s loyal to me, he works hard for me, and he is really handsome. Hey look, I can say a few nice things!